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Deadpan Panto

Discussion in 'Girlguiding Midlands' started by Lillie, Oct 1, 2015.

  1. Lillie

    Lillie (Newbie)

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    Several years ago at a Guiders weekend away I took part in a deadpan panto of Cinderella, I found the script but wondered if anyone knew if there were any other deadpan panto scripts out there.
     
  2. fenris

    fenris fenris GuiderPlus

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    I've written a few . . .

    Basically, work out the basic plotline of the panto (Wikipedia can help with this!). Then trim it right down to a minimal number of scenes to get the story across, and the minimum number of characters . . . Then you can work out the catch phrases and start drafting!
     
  3. zrra268

    zrra268 Veteran (100+ posts)

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    We definitely have a Snow White somewhere - will have to have a rummage at the weekend see if I have it for you
     
  4. jenny.stockbridge

    jenny.stockbridge (Newbie)

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    Do you have a copy of the script you can post?
     
  5. elenopa

    elenopa Brownie Guider

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    I have a sleeping beauty somewhere.
     
  6. fenris

    fenris fenris GuiderPlus

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    THE STORY OF SNOW WHITE


    There are seven characters, Narrator (N), Snow White (SW), Handsome Prince (HP) The Wicked Queen (WQ) The Huntsman (H) The Dwarves (D) and the Mirror (M). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they are identifiable e.g. (N) top hat or bowler, (SW) a bow in her hair, (HP) a cardboard crown, (WQ) a high collar or a crown, (H) a green hat or gun, (D) a suitable hat, (M) holding a piece of foil on card, or a mirror. Aim for the most incongruous casting option – e.g. the ‘dwarves’ being the tallest person in the group!


    The seven characters sit facing the audience on chairs set in a row, and should have totally blank expressions on their faces even when the audience is laughing, their lines must be delivered slowly and without expression or interest. Each one stands to read their lines off of their copy of the script and then sits down once the line is finished; the next character waits until the audience's laughter subsides before standing to deliver the next line.


    The Story of Snow White


    Narrator The story of Snow White (sits and stands again)

    Narrator I am the Narrator

    Snow White I am Snow White

    Wicked Queen I am the Wicked Queen

    Mirror I am the Mirror

    Huntsman I am the Huntsman

    Handsome Prince I am the Handsome Prince

    Dwarves Due to the cutbacks, I am the seven dwarves

    Narrator Scene One (sits and stands again)

    Narrator The Castle

    Wicked Queen Who is the fairest of them all

    Mirror Snow White, 0 Queen

    Wicked Queen Fetch the Huntsman

    Huntsman Here I am

    Wicked Queen Kill Snow White

    Huntsman Yes

    Narrator End of Scene One (sits and stands again)

    Narrator Scene Two (sits and stands again)

    Narrator The Woods

    Snow White Why are we here

    Huntsman I must kill you

    Snow White Oh no, I am Snow White

    Huntsman Alright, go away

    Dwarves Hey ho, Hey ho (sits and stands again)

    Dwarves Who are you?

    Snow White I am Snow White

    Dwarves Come home with me

    Narrator End of Scene Two (sits and stands again)

    Narrator Scene Three (sits and stands again)

    Narrator The Castle

    Wicked Queen Who is the fairest of them all?

    Mirror Snow White, 0 Queen

    Wicked Queen Fetch the Huntsman

    Huntsman Oh dear

    Wicked Queen What happened to Snow White

    Huntsman She ran away

    Wicked Queen I must find her

    Narrator End of Scene Three (sits and stands again)

    Narrator Scene Four (sits and stands again)

    Narrator The Woods (sits and stands again)

    Narrator Enter Wicked Queen (sits and stands again)

    Narrator disguised

    Wicked Queen Who are you?

    Snow White I am Snow White

    Wicked Queen Have an apple.

    Snow White Thank you

    Wicked Queen That is the end of Snow white

    Narrator End of Scene Four (sits and stands again)

    Narrator Scene Five (sits and stands again)

    Narrator The Dwarves’ House

    Dwarves Snow White, where are you?

    Snow White Snore

    Dwarves She is unconscious (sits and stands again)

    Dwarves Where is our dinner

    Handsome Prince I, the handsome Prince am riding by (sits and stands again)

    Handsome Prince Who is this asleep, I will kiss her

    Snow White Hello, I am Snow White

    Handsome Prince You are beautiful

    Snow White Yes

    Handsome Prince Are you as good as you are beautiful

    Snow White I am snow white, Marry me

    Handsome Prince Yes

    Narrator End of Scene Five (sits and stands again)

    Narrator Finale

    Wicked Queen I am furious

    Mirror I am shattered

    Huntsman I am fired

    Dwarves We are hungry

    Handsome Prince I am married

    Snow White I am snow white
     
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  7. fenris

    fenris fenris GuiderPlus

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    THE STORY OF CINDERELLA

    There are five characters, Narrator (N), Cinderella (C), Prince Charming (P), the Ugly Sisters (one actor only) (U), and the Fairy Godmother (F). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a bow in the hair (C), a cardboard or plastic crown (P), a tasteless hat or wig (U) and a short wand (F). There should also be available a scruffy and threadbare carpet slipper. These props should be as improvised and basic as possible. The five actors sit on five chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.

    THE STORY OF CINDERELLA


    NARRATOR The story of Cinderella. (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR I am the narrator.

    CINDERELLA I am Cinderella

    PRINCE C. I am Prince Charming

    UGLY SISTERS I am the ugly sisters

    FAIRY G. I am the Fairy Godmother

    CINDERELLA I am beautiful

    PRINCE C. I am handsome

    UGLY SISTERS We are ugly

    FAIRY G. I am good

    NARRATOR Scene one, (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR the kitchen

    CINDERELLA I am sad

    UGLY SISTERS We are going to the ball. (sits and stands again)

    UGLY SISTERS Clean our shoes.

    CINDERELLA All right

    UGLY SISTERS Iron our frocks

    CINDERELLA All right

    NARRATOR End of scene one (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR Scene 2, (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR the kitchen

    CINDERELLA I am sad

    FAIRY G. Why are you sad?

    CINDERELLA I am not going to the ball

    FAIRY G. You shall go to the ball

    CINDERELLA All right

    NARRATOR Appear one coach (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR Plus accessories

    FAIRY G. Be back before twelve

    CINDERELLA All right

    NARRATOR End of scene 2(sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR Scene 3, (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR the ball

    UGLY SISTERS Who's that?

    PRINCE C. She's beautiful (sits and stands again)

    PRINCE C. Will you dance?

    CINDERELLA All right

    ALL (stand) DONG!!

    CINDERELLA I must go

    PRINCE C. She has left her slipper

    NARRATOR End of scene 3 (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR Scene 4, (sits and stands again)

    NARRATOR the kitchen

    CINDERELLA I am sad

    NARRATOR Enter Prince Charming

    PRINCE C. Try this

    UGLY SISTERS It fits

    PRINCE C. No it doesn't (sits and stands again)

    PRINCE C. Try this

    CINDERELLA It fits

    PRINCE C. It does. I love you.

    CINDERELLA I love you.

    PRINCE C. Marry me

    CINDERELLA All right (Sits and stands again)

    CINDERELLA I am happy

    UGLY SISTERS We are sad

    PRINCE C. I am married

    FAIRY G. I am still good

    NARRATOR The End
     
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  8. fenris

    fenris fenris GuiderPlus

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    THE STORY OF GOLDILOCKS AND THE 3 BEARS

    There are five characters, Narrator (N), Goldilocks (G), Father Bear (F), the Mother Bear (M), and Baby Bear (B). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a bow in the hair (G), a pair of slippers or newspaper (F), a floral apron (M) and a bib, rattle or toy (B). Inappropriate casting adds to the effect. The five characters sit on five chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.

    GOLDILOCKS AND THE 3 BEARS


    NARRATOR The story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears.

    (sits & stands again)

    NARRATOR I am the narrator.

    GOLDILOCKS I am Goldilocks

    FATHER BEAR. I am Father Bear

    MOTHER BEAR I am Mother Bear

    BABY BEAR I am Baby Bear

    NARRATOR Scene 1

    NARRATOR the Bears’ cave

    MOTHER BEAR I am making porage

    MOTHER BEAR So much for gender equality.

    FATHER BEAR I am hungry

    BABY BEAR Me starving

    MOTHER BEAR Here you are

    FATHER BEAR It is very hot

    BABY BEAR Me hurt

    MOTHER BEAR Of course it’s hot

    FATHER BEAR We’ll go for a walk while it cools

    BABY BEAR Me starving

    NARRATOR Scene 2

    NARRATOR later

    GOLDILOCKS I have been walking

    GOLDILOCKS I am hungry

    GOLDILOCKS I smell porage

    GOLDILOCKS That tasted good

    GOLDILOCKS I am tired. I will sleep.

    NARRATOR Scene 3

    NARRATOR later

    FATHER BEAR I am hungry

    BABY BEAR Me starving

    MOTHER BEAR We will have porage

    FATHER BEAR My bowl is empty

    BABY BEAR Me starving

    GOLDILOCKS Snore

    MOTHER BEAR Thief

    FATHER BEAR I hear snoring

    MOTHER BEAR it’s a thief

    BABY BEAR Me starving

    GOLDILOCKS Good porage

    MOTHER BEAR Thanks

    FATHER BEAR I am hungry

    BABY BEAR Me starving

    MOTHER BEAR I have no more porage oats

    MOTHER BEAR I will have to cook something else

    GOLDILOCKS Oh dear.

    NARRATOR The end.
     
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  9. fenris

    fenris fenris GuiderPlus

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    THE STORY OF JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

    There are five characters, Narrator (N), Mother (M), Jack (J), Genie (G), and Giant (L). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a flowery apron (M), a baseball cap (J), a wizard’s hat or a torch (G) and an outsize hat (L) (it adds to the piece if the casting is as inappropriate as possible – e.g. the giant is portrayed by the smallest of the group). The five characters sit on five chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.


    JACK AND THE BEANSTALK


    NARRATOR The story of Jack and the Beanstalk

    MOTHER I am mother

    JACK I am Jack

    GENIE I am the Genie

    GIANT I am the Giant

    NARRATOR Scene 1

    NARRATOR In the cottage

    MOTHER We are poor

    MOTHER We are hungry

    MOTHER We will have to sell the cow

    JACK I will take the cow to market

    NARRATOR Scene 2

    NARRATOR Going to market

    JACK I am tired

    GENIE I will buy your cow

    GENIE Here is a bean

    JACK OK

    NARRATOR Scene 3

    NARRATOR In the cottage

    JACK I sold the cow

    JACK I got a bean for her

    MOTHER Oh no.

    JACK I will plant it

    It is growing

    NARRATOR Scene 4

    NARRATOR At the beanstalk

    JACK I will climb it

    MOTHER I don’t care

    GIANT I am hungry

    GIANT I will eat you

    JACK Gold Coins

    JACK I will take them

    NARRATOR Scene 5

    NARRATOR Later

    MOTHER Those coins are useful

    MOTHER Did the giant have anything else

    JACK I will climb the beanstalk

    GIANT I am hungry

    JACK A hen laying golden eggs

    JACK I will take it

    NARRATOR Scene 6

    NARRATOR Later

    MOTHER That hen is useful.

    MOTHER Did the giant have anything else

    JACK I will climb the beanstalk

    GIANT I am hungry

    JACK A harp

    JACK I will take it

    GIANT Thief

    JACK Oh dear

    GIANT Come back

    JACK I will cut down the beanstalk

    MOTHER Oh dear

    GIANT Ouch

    NARRATOR The end
     
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  10. fenris

    fenris fenris GuiderPlus

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    THE STORY OF PUSS IN BOOTS

    There are six characters, Narrator (N), Miller (M), Dick (D), Cat (C), Servant (S) and Farm Workers (F) (workers portrayed by one actor). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a plain apron (M), a baseball cap (D), a pair of baseball or hiking boots (C) a tray (S) and a piece of straw to chew (F). The six characters sit on six chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.


    PUSS IN BOOTS


    NARRATOR The story of Puss in Boots

    MILLER I am the Miller

    DICK I am Dick, the Miller’s Son

    CAT I am the Cat

    SERVANT I am the King’s Servant

    FARM WORKERS Due to EU subsidy cuts, I am the Farm Workers

    NARRATOR Scene 1

    NARRATOR In the mill

    MILLER I am dying

    MILLER Here is my will

    MILLER The mill goes to John

    MILLER The wagon to William

    MILLER The cat goes to Dick

    DICK I am poor

    NARRATOR Scene 2

    NARRATOR Outside the mill

    DICK I am homeless

    CAT We won’t starve

    CAT I will catch rabbits

    CAT You can cook them

    DICK We must leave

    CAT Here is a rabbit

    CAT We will take it to the king

    NARRATOR Scene 3

    NARRATOR At the palace

    CAT Here is a rabbit for the royal kitchen

    SERVANT Thank you

    SERVANT The King and Princess are going out for a drive

    CAT Thank you

    NARRATOR Scene 4

    NARRATOR Down the road

    CAT I will get you a wife

    CAT Go and swim in the river

    DICK OK

    CAT My master, the Marquis de Carabas, is drowning

    SERVANT I will rescue him

    DICK Thank you

    DICK My clothes have been stolen

    SERVANT Here is a blanket

    SERVANT Climb into the carriage

    NARRATOR Scene 5

    NARRATOR Down the road

    CAT Tell the king these fields belong to the Marquis de Carabas

    FARM WORKERS We thought they belonged to an ogre

    CAT I have killed the ogre

    FARM WORKERS OK

    SERVANT Who do these fields belong to

    FARM WORKERS The Marquis de Carabas

    NARRATOR Scene 6

    NARRATOR The palace formerly belonging to the ogre

    CAT Welcome to the palace of the Marquis de Carabas

    SERVANT The Princess would like to marry the Marquis de Carabas

    DICK OK

    NARRATOR The End
     
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  11. elenopa

    elenopa Brownie Guider

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    Sleeping Beauty

    MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the high spot of our Victorian Evening, a little known script from the archives of Balmoral Castle, where Her Majesty (Gawd Bless Her) was once wont to amuse the royal children at Yuletide with her very own Pantomime. It is of particular interest in what it reveals of the home life of our own Dear Queen Victoria. We understand that upon these jolly occasions, Her Majesty, members of her Cabinet and visiting dignitaries of the Kaiser's Court were often pressed to take part.

    Ladies and Gentlemen; "The Sleeping Beauty, or We Are Not Amused."


    Narrator: Once upon a time there was a king and queen who had no children. They were very sad, for there was no heir to inherit the kingdom.


    King: We are the King. We are sad.


    Queen: We are the Queen. We are not amused.


    Fairy 1: I am a good fairy. I am kind. Ping (waves a wand).


    Fairy 2: I am a wicked, nasty fairy. Pong (waves a stick). Nobody likes me.


    All turn to the Wicked Fairy in silence.


    King: There is no heir to inherit the kingdom.


    Fairy 1: Ping. Your wish is granted. The queen will have a baby.


    King: Good.


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Narrator: Soon all the kingdom was rejoicing at the birth of a beautiful baby girl.


    ALL: (Tonelessly) Hurrah hurrah.


    Narrator: True, it was not a prince to inherit the kingdom, but the king now had hope of many more children.


    King: We live in hope.


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Narrator: Preparations were soon in hand for the most magnificent christening ceremony. All the good fairies were invited to bestow their gifts upon the infant princess. They promised she would be bonny and blithe and gay...


    Fairy 1: She will be bonny, Ping!


    Fairy 4: She will be blithe, Ping!


    Fairy 3: She will be g...


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Narrator: But there was one fairy who was not invited to the christening.


    Fairy 2: I am the very wicked evil fairy. Nobody likes me. Pong! (All turn to look silently at her). I have a gift too.


    King: What is it?


    Fairy 2: When the princess is 16 she will prick her finger and die.


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Fairy 3: I have not yet bestowed my gift.


    King: What is it?


    Fairy 3: She will not die.


    King: Good.


    Fairy 3: She will sleep for a hundred years.


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Narrator: Many years passed, and the princess grew to be a radiantly beautiful young woman.


    Aurora: I am the princess Aurora. How radiantly beautiful I am.


    King: Today you are sixteen.


    Aurora: Good.


    King: Now you are sixteen, there is something I must speak to you seriously about.


    Aurora: Yes.


    King: You must beware of spinning wheels.


    Aurora: Oh.


    Narrator: But the princess was possessed of an enquiring mind, and set out to explore the palace.


    Aurora: Oh here is a door. I will open it.


    Fairy 2: Hee hee. I am the wicked fairy. (waves stick) Pong! Come in, my dear.


    Aurora: What is that in your hand, for I have never seen one of those before.


    Fairy 2: Come and look.


    Aurora: Oh! I feel a prick.


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Narrator: The princess fell to the floor and soon she was fast asleep. The palace also fell asleep. They slept for a hundred years. A tall, dense briar hedge grew up around the castle and, after a time, nobody remembered it. Then, one day, a handsome and debonair young prince came riding by.


    Prince: I am the handsome and debonair Prince Albert. Gee-up. Oh! A briar hedge.


    Narrator: He got off his horse and slashed at the hedge.


    Prince: Let me have a slash at this hedge. Slash. Slash.


    Narrator: The hedge parted and the prince found the sleeping castle.


    Prince: They are all asleep.


    ALL: (Loud snoring noises)


    Narrator: Exploring the palace, the handsome and debonair young Prince Albert found the sleeping Princess.


    Prince: I am the handsome and debonair Prince Albert. Oh. Here is a pretty lady covered with dust. I will kiss her.


    Aurora: Did you kiss me?


    Prince: Yes.


    Aurora: Now you will have to marry me.


    Prince: All right.


    Aurora: Let us tell the King and Queen.


    Narrator: The Prince and Princess hurried to tell Their Majesties what the Prince had done.


    King: You must marry my daughter.


    Queen: We are not amused.


    Narrator: And so they all lived happily ever after.


    (All stand and bow)


    DRAMATIS PERSONAE


    Narrator

    King

    Queen

    3 Good Fairies

    1 Rotten Fairy

    Aurora

    Prince Albert

    MC.
     
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