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Why is it my daughter?

#1
Hi, I'm new here, and new to being a brownie leader. I took over my daughters pack in August because the previous leader was leaving and it was either me or nobody!

We recently had a sleepover with another pack and my small group of Brownies were 10x louder than the other group with my daughter the loudest. It came to a head tonight where after 4 or 5 requests to be polite I told her off in the only way a mother can, then she sulked for most of the rest of the meeting and took no part in the skills builder selection then had to be almost begged to get up and chat with the other leader/helper because we had a promise ceremony tonight and she is a sixer!!

How best do I deal with behaviour like this ie not listening to several polite requests to be quiet, because tonight I feel utterly drained and although there are 4 loud ones my daughter is the loudest and also many of the older ones don't listen and have very short attention spans?

Hopefully someone has experience of trying to lead their daughters pack where she is the most disruptive! In context, she can be quite loud in her every day life and its not the first time I've pulled her over about her loudness (more not listening when asked to be quiet)
 

AngliaGuider

Regular (50+ posts)
#2
The key for lots of leaders with our own daughters in our units is to disown them when you step through that door. In a nice way, of course. But when you’re at Brownies you’re not Mum, you’re Brown Owl. I made an agreement with my co-leaders that if our daughters need praising, one of the others gave it. And if they need a bollocking, one of the others gave that, too. I made sure that my co-leaders knew I had their back, and they should never feel bad about telling her off if she needed it. In the car on the way home, we can chat, but during the meeting she is just another Guide. From her side, if she has a problem she will go to the other leaders first: until we get into the car, I’m leader of last resort. You absolutely have to make it not personal.

We also make sure that if we’re out and about and have split up as one adult with a group of girls, we are never the only adult with a group our daughter is in.

We camp a lot as a District, with three Guide units and a Ranger unit. Between us, 7 of 11 leaders have our daughters there. It has worked really well for all of us.

For me, this policy is to protect everyone - our daughters, ourselves, but also the others. Our family relationship is absolutely known by everyone, but it can’t be a big thing. I didn’t want my daughter to be excluded from the everyday chatter “because she’ll tell on us”. I want her Guide experience to be as close to everyone else’s as possible. I don’t want us as leaders to be perceived as having favourites, and I don’t want the others to feel disadvantaged. Holidays are a good example. You have a homesick Brownie who wants her mum, and all she can see is that Flossie’s mum is there for her, and actually so is Suzie’s and so on. If we minimise our family relationships during meetings it is easier for everyone.

The upside is that children usually behave better for someone else :)
 

Epona

Veteran (100+ posts)
#3
Yes, this is my experience too. I took over as Brown Owl because my daughter loved it, but she did push her boundaries.

The above are all sensible suggestions -- be 'brown owl only' in the meetings, have another Guider deal with her, let her pull a sickie very occasionally so she doesn't have to be the one girl who comes to *everything*. In addition, mine got a mum-hug when we got home (unless she'd been especially difficult).

But essentially yes, our kids behave better for someone else.
 

Trinny

Veteran (100+ posts)
#4
Why don't you ask her if she still wants to do Brownies? It sounds like she might not. Or she might like Brownies but would also like more one on one time with you, so currently acts up at Brownies to get that.
 

MummySquirrel

Veteran (100+ posts)
#5
The key for lots of leaders with our own daughters in our units is to disown them when you step through that door. In a nice way, of course. But when you’re at Brownies you’re not Mum, you’re Brown Owl. I made an agreement with my co-leaders that if our daughters need praising, one of the others gave it. And if they need a bollocking, one of the others gave that, too. I made sure that my co-leaders knew I had their back, and they should never feel bad about telling her off if she needed it. In the car on the way home, we can chat, but during the meeting she is just another Guide. From her side, if she has a problem she will go to the other leaders first: until we get into the car, I’m leader of last resort. You absolutely have to make it not personal.

We also make sure that if we’re out and about and have split up as one adult with a group of girls, we are never the only adult with a group our daughter is in.

We camp a lot as a District, with three Guide units and a Ranger unit. Between us, 7 of 11 leaders have our daughters there. It has worked really well for all of us.

For me, this policy is to protect everyone - our daughters, ourselves, but also the others. Our family relationship is absolutely known by everyone, but it can’t be a big thing. I didn’t want my daughter to be excluded from the everyday chatter “because she’ll tell on us”. I want her Guide experience to be as close to everyone else’s as possible. I don’t want us as leaders to be perceived as having favourites, and I don’t want the others to feel disadvantaged. Holidays are a good example. You have a homesick Brownie who wants her mum, and all she can see is that Flossie’s mum is there for her, and actually so is Suzie’s and so on. If we minimise our family relationships during meetings it is easier for everyone.

The upside is that children usually behave better for someone else :)
This is exactly how we worked, 3 leaders each with a daughter in our Brownies, never dealt with our own, never had them in our group and we got them to use our Owl names during meetings. I went on to reopen our Guide unit but my daughter decided to join her sister at another unit in our District.
 

morris minor

Veteran (100+ posts)
#6
The biggest problem I found is that your own daughter knows which buttons to push to get Mum really cross:) and may have been starting on the way to the meeting!
Definitely no 'Mum' at meetings (same applies when we have other parents helping)
 

Pixielation

Brown Owl (x2)
#7
I was horrified to find that my daughter was the disruptive influence in my Brownie unit when I took over! Now she's my young leader, and while she's very good with the girls, sometimes she's the one talking when we are trying to start Brownie Bells!
 
#8
Thanks all for the replies. She was better behaved last week and half my pack (all the noisy ones) are at a party tonight, so it'll be a quite one tonight and will give me a glimpse of the future! We've had several discussions about not listening in general, I think it's just exacerbated at Brownies as it's such a small pack. She goes to cubs as well where they're all really loud, no way I could run a cub pack!!